


the reward is in the risk

by buttheyrebrothers



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, True Love, mentions of past Jensen Ackles/Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-01
Updated: 2015-06-01
Packaged: 2018-04-02 08:58:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4054162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttheyrebrothers/pseuds/buttheyrebrothers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After 5 years of being married to the love of his life Jensen finds himself signing the papers for their divorce. Only Jared has other plans.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the reward is in the risk

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Aeren](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeren/gifts).



> This is for the wonderful Aeren, who prompted me with J2, going through a divorce. Your wish will be my command, love.
> 
> This is not beta read, I'm sorry for any mistakes. I couldn't see them through the tears while writing this.

> “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”   
>  ― [Anaïs Nin](https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7190.Ana_s_Nin)

_„Since I met you I learned one thing; Love is about taking the risk. And I know being with you has the potential to make me the happiest man in the whole world. I also know that by loving you I’ll give you the power to destroy me completely. And I’m scared shitless, Jared. But I will take that risk. Because even one minute at your side is worth all the pain loving you could put me through.”_

As far as wedding vows go, this one really took the cake. Jensen had never felt happier and more vulnerable at the same time than when he had been with Jared. And he had meant every word, back then when they had been still happy and in love.

That had been five years ago. He still had no idea how five years could change one of the simplest truths he had ever known. How five years could bring him here, at this table flanked by lawyers and across the man who he had sworn to love and to cherish, till death do them part. Maybe that was why he felt like signing his death sentence when he put his signature underneath their divorce papers.

“Thank you, Mr. Ackles-Padalecki. I’m glad we could find such a consensual solution.” As if it would ever be consensual for him to lose the love of his live. But he had started to doubt that the man sitting in front of him still deserved that title, so the only solution seemed to be this. Doesn’t mean he had to like it.

“Mr. Ackles-Padalecki, now we only need you to sign these papers as well to officially confirm this divorce.” That was directed at Jared, whose usually so expressive and animated face was now impassive and unreadable, a fact that unnerved Jensen immensely. He could at least act like he was sad their love story – which had been meant to be forever – was about to end. Jensen wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he had expected some kind of reaction from Jared, even tears and pleas for them to talk about this some more. He remembered Jared’s face at their wedding reception, his eyes red from the happy tears he had shed and his face lit up from joy and love. This was the Jared he wanted to keep in his memory, not the indifferent shell he was now.

Jared reached for the papers and – holding them in these big hands, that could hold you gently and torturously take you apart all the same – continued to calmly rip them to shreds. He then abruptly stood up and stiffly walked out the door.

The people left behind were all gaping at the door he had left through as if their starring could make him come back and explain himself. Jensen knew that would never happen, not with how stubborn and thick-headed his husband tended to be. _Oh Jared, what are you doing?_

He was reminded of their first fight, back when they had still been new and in the process of getting to know each other better. Jared always had the tendency to forget things, because he got so easily excited that all other thoughts seemed to just leave his head sometimes. They were supposed to meet at their favourite bar so that Jensen could introduce Jared to his friends, something that had held significant meaning for the older man. His friends were very protective of him and they had been the only thing that had helped him to get through the pain of Jeff playing and betraying him for over three years.

The man had told Jensen that he loved him and that they would be together forever when the truth was that Jeff had been married this whole time. To a woman. And they even had kids, a boy and a girl. Finding out about it had nearly destroyed him and had taken his ability to trust in the process. Jared had been the first man he had let close again and he had been finally ready to let his friends meet this persistent man, who had fought hard enough to get through all his defences.

His friends had been sceptical, wary that Jensen was set out to get his heart broken again and unsure if they would be able to mend the pieces this time. And then Jared had stood them up.

He had been on his way when the guy in the car in front of him had hit a dog. Jared had taken it upon him to get the dog to an animal clinic as soon as possible and had stayed there throughout the emergency surgery, too much in a state to think of calling Jensen. His phone had been turned off as well because the battery had died during the drive to the clinic.

So when he had finally remembered and had made the drive to the bar all he had found there had been strangers. The barkeeper had told him that Jensen and his friends had left over two hours ago, clearly looking upset and agitated. So Jared hadn’t wasted any more time and had driven over to Jensen’s home immediately. He was met by a very pissed Chris, who had denied him access to the flat, telling him blatantly to go fuck himself and to never come near Jensen again. Jared had outright refused to do so and had screamed for Jensen to please hear him out, he could explain.

And Jensen had listened to him, powerless against the pull Jared had on him even back then. It had been kind of a shock to see the big and strong man he knew reduced to tears on his threshold, begging him to believe him, to forgive him because _I feel it in my bones, Jen, you and I – that’s something special and I don’t want to lose you, I can’t lose you, not without a fight_ and all Jensen had been able to do back then was to pull Jared in his arms and kiss the tears away. _You won’t lose me, Jay, never. You hear me? Never. We’re gonna fight for this._

Jensen felt the urge to laugh hysterically at the memories but was sure the sound coming out of his throat was more like a dry sob. They had been so young and naive, so foolishly in love. He would give anything to go back to their former selves, the people they had been before life had come like tidal waves, washing over them and re-shaping them in the process, taking more of what they had been each time until they were barely recognizable.

There was no use to wallow in reminiscences, the past was the past and they needed to close the book of their epic love story here, without their happily ever after. Life was not a fairy tale after all.

He got up from his place as well, resolved to talk to Jared and make him see sense. They both had agreed that this was for the best, so why does he have to do this to him now? Hadn’t he suffered enough already? The thing that had probably hurt the most was how calm and indifferent Jared had been the night they had decided to get a divorce. _I don’t think this is working anymore, Jensen. You have stopped wanting to be with me a long time ago and I’m not sure I don’t even know the man standing in front of me anymore. So maybe it’s for the best to count our losses as long as we’re still able to look at each other and end this here._ There were no tears, no screaming, no begging. Nothing. Jensen had never felt so unwanted, so lost. That was a pain he would carry for the rest of his life.

Jensen found his husband on the small roof garden the building possessed. He was sitting on a bench that was way too low for his long legs, hunched into himself and looking for all the world like a lost little boy. Something in Jensen’s chest clenched at the look. Maybe he had been wrong in his assessment that Jared didn’t care about their divorce.

He silently made his way over to the bench and sat next to the man who had promised to love him forever.

“What was that all about, Jared? I thought this is what you wanted.” Jensen realized that Jared’s whole body was trembling slightly and he was thrown by the intense urge to console him, to hug him and tell him everything will be alright. But he reined himself back in. It would be a lie anyway and that was one thing they had sworn to never do to each other.

It took his husband a long time to find his voice and answer the question, and when he did his voice sounded thick, like tears were choking it before it could get out. “I never wanted this, Jen. Never. All I ever wanted was to be with you. I thought that was what you had wanted, too. And I have no idea when this had changed but one day I was looking at you and you weren’t looking back anymore. You were busy looking at some papers, groceries lists, the news, your friends, but never at me. I felt like I had lost you even when I had you in my arms. So I did what I thought you had wanted. I tried to give you an out, Jensen. I knew you would never want to hurt me. That you wouldn’t come right out and tell me that you wanted out. And I had hoped so much that I was wrong, that you would say no, that you would tell me we could fix this. But you didn’t, so I knew I was right. You don’t love me anymore and if I really loved you, I needed to let you go.” At that Jared finally looked up, tears streaming down his handsome face.

“But I am weak and maybe I deserve it that you don’t want me anymore because Jensen, I can’t let you go. It would kill me. My personal hell is a room without you in it and these past couple of weeks – I couldn’t even sleep without you next to me. Please, baby, don’t leave me. Tell me what I did wrong, how I can be better for you, but don’t leave me.” A heart breaking sob wrenched its way out of Jared’s chest after his last words and he let his head hang between his folded legs again.

Jensen had no idea what to say, his head was spinning after this revelation. How could this be real? Was it possible that he had been so blind, so caught up in his own doubts and his own pain that he hadn’t even realized how much his husband had been suffering as well? Had he really stopped showing Jared how much he loved him, stopped looking at him like he hung the moon, stopped curling into his arms in his sleep because no place had ever felt safer? And why had Jared felt like he couldn’t talk to Jensen about it?

But then he remembered all these small remarks, single sentences Jared had let drop. _Jen, I was waiting up for you with dinner, why didn’t you tell me you went to Chris’?_ or _I feel like we don’t even talk anymore, Jen. Is everything alright?_

He reached out for Jared before he could overthink his decision, cupping his cheek in his hand and turning his face up, so that they could look each other in the eyes. The redness brought out the stunning hazel of Jared’s eyes even more and Jensen was struck with the sudden realization that he still thought that his husband was the most beautiful man he had ever laid his eyes on. He thought back to the times when all they had done on a Sunday morning was to look at the other one, disbelieving of the sheer luck they had to have found each other. This was worth any risk.

“Jay, I am so sorry. I – I don’t know what to say, I had no idea you were feeling this way. I thought you had given up on us, that you got tired of being with me. And I am so sorry I let you think for even one second that I don’t love you anymore. Because this is not true. I think it will never be true. But I wish you would have talked to me. Something must have been wrong for a long time when you thought you couldn’t tell me about your fears or my faults. And I know you gave me hints and I’m sorry I didn’t get them, but if we want to make this marriage work we need to work on our communication, Jay. We need to get back to the point where I tell you all the things that matter to me and I need you to do the same thing. We’ve got work to do.”

To Jared’s defence Jensen had to admit that he was so emotionally drained that it was understandable it took him some time to catch up on the meaning behind Jensen’s words. But when he did catch up the utter disbelieve that was layered above the spark of hope in his eyes caused Jensen’s heart to break even more.

“What do you mean, if we want to make this marriage work? We’re here with our lawyers to get a divorce.” The way Jared’s eyes were pleading with Jensen told him that his husband needed him to spell it out.

“Well, _someone_ –“ pointed look at Jared “ripped the divorce papers so I guess we should take the opportunity to call this whole thing off. What do you say?”

The watery smile he got was answer enough. They still had a long way ahead of them but Jensen would always remember this wake up call. They just needed to remind themselves what it was they were fighting for – a love that was worth taking the risk of getting hurt over and over again.

Maybe he should print out their vows and put them over the fire place next to their wedding photos.


End file.
